restaurant of unchecked appetites

(seattle, march 2008)

no, it doesn't feel like just yesterday : it feels like exactly 1073 days : it feels like 2 years, 11 months & 7 days : it feels like my skin has loosened & split : when i touch my tongue to my 2 front teeth it feels as though there is part of each tooth missing now : i am approximately 8 pounds lighter, but possibly 1/4 inch taller : on that morning i ate pancakes with bacon : on this morning, rye bread with salted butter : my right toe still makes a cracking noise when i walk, but my posture has improved slightly : i sleep less & dream only in color : & though i have loved twice since, my bones feel lightened, hollow & bird-like in their longing :

(seattle, march 2008)

on the top-backside of queen anne, just down the street from my house, there is a wet sidewalk that overlooks the Puget Sound just beyond Interbay : on a clear day i can see the white-capped monoliths of the Olympic range : & to the right, all the boats put to sleep in the Ballard waterway : last night i walked to the overlook thinking of certain friends & all the really important things i forget to notice : R. Blaser: you're astride something, if you pee/ powerfully and it tinkles in the depths/ splattering the awesome :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

if i have thought of dying 22,036 times, i've thought of living 66,108 moments, during, prior, or following thoughts of death : this is why it is absurd to me when d__ says i just want you to be happy : i could very well be the happiest human alive : at 1 i want to sleep & do : at 2 i feel like waking & do : Shackleton would surely perish at notice of the breadth of my living appetites : i would not deny myself the meat of dogs or man to make it to the pole & back again : but not for notoriety : all for the the pleasure of being : to realize my sudden place on this bridge : take in the view : then walk back home & let the fat drip from my fingers as i enjoy one last meal before sleep : & the same that tomorrow brings :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

i love to fuck : but more, i enjoy the taste of others : one of my proudest moments was standing alone on the subway platform at Jamaica Station, 5am, while 5 different languages were uttered at once : & people wondered to themselves why : i'm happiest feeding people : if i could cook for one person for the rest of my life i may lapse catatonic in bliss : but i'd wake soon : to be touched on the head affectionately : i love a lake of cold water & walking into it : looking back to shore exasperated & letting those there know it's really cold, & beautiful : i love making love in the morning & falling directly to sleep : only to wake up, do it again, make a breakfast of fruit & sit silently across the table from the other : the smell of western montana in autumn : its unsettling wind : letting myself unhinge, though hard for others, is the only sublime act : i spend the last of the best dollars i work for weekly, every thursday : emptying the bank account on oysters and champagne : waking up & knowing the whole world is happening all around me! : if i walk down queen anne avenue i can give $5 to the same asshole i gave $2 to yesterday : he needs a good pat on the head, too : here's $5 : how do my fingers feel? : let's both live a long time : for each other :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

today, wednesday, is already rocking unholy : from the kitchen to the closet is the same room : i've eaten all the bacon in the house & am thinking of Baden Wurttemberg : there was a time i could jump off any train at every hour and be fine : m. would arrive coat & tie from the night before to fetch me : then feed me warmed rolls with cream cheese & black forest ham before letting me sleep : i want him here now or i want to sleep a long time : this morning is moving lengthwise instead of forward : the woman i currently fancy fancies a noble future in knives : all i can do is wait for the clouds to wash this over : i remember returning home from boarding school in the winter : my tiniest sister posted the Superman logo on the doors to my bedroom & closet : the S for me : one vain letter : & i knew at least one person was watching :

house outside of home

(seattle, ballard bridge, feb. 2011)

an odd caption on the back of a postcard, such as : the Flatheads, among other Native American nations, once met a substantial share of their survival needs by hunting these massive creatures : or handwritten : are you the city's golden boy, yet? : all the bells & whistles of this short city : he is thinking of all the fish in all the seas : their blue backs beneath a monument of water : in the spring the flowers will rise & rise : they all die :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

i blink &/ am unable/ to see myself/ blinking : the sun is still shining today & the water hasn't moved an inch : if there were a hill higher than mine, i'd run up it : if there were a gun in the glove compartment, i'd grab it : if there were purple outside my doorway, i'd bathe in it : if i had a smaller hammer &, perhaps, a pin, my fingernails would be more easily removed : then the day could be continued as it should : unshielded :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

it is sunday now, & the mountain is still there : it is monday now, & the mountain is still there : it is tuesday now, & the mountain is still there : it is wednesday now, & the mountain is still there : it is thursday now, & the mountain is still there : it is friday now, & the mountain is still there : it is saturday now, & the mountain is still there : it is sunday now, & the mountain is still there : it is monday now & it is tuesday now : it is tuesday now & now it is tuesday : & it while my house continues roaring on this earth : & it while my mouth blooms choked with loam : & it is tuesday now : now it is tuesday :

like a heart dressed in black sequins

(seattle, jan. 2011)

here there are flowers in winter : here not even the trees bend up in cold : the grass is stoic when sleeping : & thus when a seed falls from a flower it doesn't matter the season : when a seed falls from a flower there is no reason for it to think itself part of that original flower : if it feels obligated to call home to petal 2 on sundays and petal 6 on tuesdays it is because it was asked to do so : when i walked out onto this glass floor i suddenly wished it gone : if just to see what would happen :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

on the way home i became slightly confused : i was leaving a more suitable home than my own : it was washed in warmth & the tension kept taught by a fantasized intimation of a shared world : in the past i've left portions of my life behind, assuming to know all possibilities of particular people : as though this understanding drowned forever an attraction : a more frightening knowledge of commitment : more intimidating than being locked in a room with 20 fat ladies with tubas pining for yr affections without break :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

i'm not at all frightened by this proximity : this closeness to an oppressive yellow & 4 tight-knit walls : & here, another person kept touching-distance away : if i close my eyes her breathing becomes miles : like a thumbprint on the lens of binoculars :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

this is what alone looks like : it's brothers are hearty and well fed : eating chili out of cans, they pick the stray beans from their beards & toss them into the thin air to catch them in their tired mouths : they laugh weak at all of this, & let the whisky drip slow from the corners of their lips : they live here whether you need them or not :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

still like a department store window display : my jealousy is a dandy : oscar wilde taking communion in an episcopal church on sunday : if i could take my nightly walks through queen anne, down to the docks, as anyone... : it would be as a father : pushing a baby stroller through the streets at 3am. : the mothers asleep in their houses would stutter & gasp in their dreams : bringing a baby out in this weather? : & at this hour? : baby & i take pleasure in our boldness : we are pleased by the warmth of our own hearts :