rounding the cape

(not february, but march entering april)

last night i let another woman into my bed who spun me epileptic through the rain & left me loveless this morning : now the cathartic streaming of intestines stretches straight backwards through my mouth stringing me south, toward the pole : all of the mind's ideas have long been scraped inside-out and left humorless to the galley's scoff : over and over along the red ice at dusk, they say either do it, or leave me with my own skin shrinking past history : I have no longer the desire to caress anymore the day's pleasures, nor drive them all mad with being : Amundsen bellows catastrophic from behind us: Much lay between that moment and the next time we should see her. The mighty ocean on one side, and the unknown region of ice on the other; so many things might happen. Her flag floats out, waves us a last adieu, and disappears. We are on our way to the South. :

& in the street, all the children run, mocking the midnight procession of pigs, shouting, cassoulet! cassoulet!

the buttressed self: an essay in frames by B. A. Bertrand (for c.l.y.)

Septet, 1964-- Merce Cunningham coursed into his 45th year as I settled into my 12th. 31 years later he articulates his 76th by quietly stating, I like to make steps. Even when walking I notice the periods dropping to ground. One foot remains briefly still while the other is pushed forward by either momentum or will. & Nijinsky some years prior: I merely leap & pause.

While growing up in Camaret-sur-Mer, in the nearest home to that of my family, lived a woman who endured to the suspected age of 112 years old. (It was never necessary to explore the reality of her exact years, as truth rests best outside of accuracy.) She maintained an intimacy of face despite the years. Every ten a new wrinkle would appear.

The dead were pushing this.

I have but 2 wishes & a cache of insignificance. Dance is an art in space & time. The object of the dancer is to obliterate that. Merce, I didn't understand, then.

For several thousand years the earth stood still in a state of silence. Copernicus revised the silence set unflinching by Ptolemy-- Galileo saw all as only pause in time and set the universe stepping. He proclaimed the earth leaping...in circles. And yet, it moves.

The best thing is to be able to continue. A dialogue that only follows in fragment. A woman thrust to light from citrus & razor wire. A foot perfect in place. Two feet as even keel.

Our time is as loving as a thought left. If I knew one as certain, the Earth might move.

He is animalistic...spotlighting pedestrian & mundane movements of day/life...stripping & de-sexing the often-times sexed-up, windward leaning, & dramatic big-moon choreography of Diaghilev who believed that art is a process that results in finality.

Bullocks.

As a rejection of George Balanchine, in which there is nothing Modern. 1953. Black Mountain. Charles Olsen. The energy transfer from connection to production to apprehension by audience. Merce: Dance doesn't follow a story line.

My sister/ my sister/

my new sisters:

but only one

rises in the horizon

red like fire

fierce for flame

The one is pulled by orange peels, and more awake than the hundred others.

It is her predicament to feel. & to do this alone for a while.

& feel & feel & feels.

Alone, an unlikely keel supporting the whole. A scaffold stretching out electric across grey water.

as a darkness now/ I could have destroy me/ the dictionaries of the world/ & still not know how--

We both found a way to move impossible for our selves/ crying in a Volvo/ we chose to speak/ inexplicable.

37,455 sans terre

restaurant of unchecked appetites

(seattle, march 2008)

no, it doesn't feel like just yesterday : it feels like exactly 1073 days : it feels like 2 years, 11 months & 7 days : it feels like my skin has loosened & split : when i touch my tongue to my 2 front teeth it feels as though there is part of each tooth missing now : i am approximately 8 pounds lighter, but possibly 1/4 inch taller : on that morning i ate pancakes with bacon : on this morning, rye bread with salted butter : my right toe still makes a cracking noise when i walk, but my posture has improved slightly : i sleep less & dream only in color : & though i have loved twice since, my bones feel lightened, hollow & bird-like in their longing :

(seattle, march 2008)

on the top-backside of queen anne, just down the street from my house, there is a wet sidewalk that overlooks the Puget Sound just beyond Interbay : on a clear day i can see the white-capped monoliths of the Olympic range : & to the right, all the boats put to sleep in the Ballard waterway : last night i walked to the overlook thinking of certain friends & all the really important things i forget to notice : R. Blaser: you're astride something, if you pee/ powerfully and it tinkles in the depths/ splattering the awesome :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

if i have thought of dying 22,036 times, i've thought of living 66,108 moments, during, prior, or following thoughts of death : this is why it is absurd to me when d__ says i just want you to be happy : i could very well be the happiest human alive : at 1 i want to sleep & do : at 2 i feel like waking & do : Shackleton would surely perish at notice of the breadth of my living appetites : i would not deny myself the meat of dogs or man to make it to the pole & back again : but not for notoriety : all for the the pleasure of being : to realize my sudden place on this bridge : take in the view : then walk back home & let the fat drip from my fingers as i enjoy one last meal before sleep : & the same that tomorrow brings :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

i love to fuck : but more, i enjoy the taste of others : one of my proudest moments was standing alone on the subway platform at Jamaica Station, 5am, while 5 different languages were uttered at once : & people wondered to themselves why : i'm happiest feeding people : if i could cook for one person for the rest of my life i may lapse catatonic in bliss : but i'd wake soon : to be touched on the head affectionately : i love a lake of cold water & walking into it : looking back to shore exasperated & letting those there know it's really cold, & beautiful : i love making love in the morning & falling directly to sleep : only to wake up, do it again, make a breakfast of fruit & sit silently across the table from the other : the smell of western montana in autumn : its unsettling wind : letting myself unhinge, though hard for others, is the only sublime act : i spend the last of the best dollars i work for weekly, every thursday : emptying the bank account on oysters and champagne : waking up & knowing the whole world is happening all around me! : if i walk down queen anne avenue i can give $5 to the same asshole i gave $2 to yesterday : he needs a good pat on the head, too : here's $5 : how do my fingers feel? : let's both live a long time : for each other :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

today, wednesday, is already rocking unholy : from the kitchen to the closet is the same room : i've eaten all the bacon in the house & am thinking of Baden Wurttemberg : there was a time i could jump off any train at every hour and be fine : m. would arrive coat & tie from the night before to fetch me : then feed me warmed rolls with cream cheese & black forest ham before letting me sleep : i want him here now or i want to sleep a long time : this morning is moving lengthwise instead of forward : the woman i currently fancy fancies a noble future in knives : all i can do is wait for the clouds to wash this over : i remember returning home from boarding school in the winter : my tiniest sister posted the Superman logo on the doors to my bedroom & closet : the S for me : one vain letter : & i knew at least one person was watching :

house outside of home

(seattle, ballard bridge, feb. 2011)

an odd caption on the back of a postcard, such as : the Flatheads, among other Native American nations, once met a substantial share of their survival needs by hunting these massive creatures : or handwritten : are you the city's golden boy, yet? : all the bells & whistles of this short city : he is thinking of all the fish in all the seas : their blue backs beneath a monument of water : in the spring the flowers will rise & rise : they all die :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

i blink &/ am unable/ to see myself/ blinking : the sun is still shining today & the water hasn't moved an inch : if there were a hill higher than mine, i'd run up it : if there were a gun in the glove compartment, i'd grab it : if there were purple outside my doorway, i'd bathe in it : if i had a smaller hammer &, perhaps, a pin, my fingernails would be more easily removed : then the day could be continued as it should : unshielded :

(seattle, feb. 2011)

it is sunday now, & the mountain is still there : it is monday now, & the mountain is still there : it is tuesday now, & the mountain is still there : it is wednesday now, & the mountain is still there : it is thursday now, & the mountain is still there : it is friday now, & the mountain is still there : it is saturday now, & the mountain is still there : it is sunday now, & the mountain is still there : it is monday now & it is tuesday now : it is tuesday now & now it is tuesday : & it while my house continues roaring on this earth : & it while my mouth blooms choked with loam : & it is tuesday now : now it is tuesday :

like a heart dressed in black sequins

(seattle, jan. 2011)

here there are flowers in winter : here not even the trees bend up in cold : the grass is stoic when sleeping : & thus when a seed falls from a flower it doesn't matter the season : when a seed falls from a flower there is no reason for it to think itself part of that original flower : if it feels obligated to call home to petal 2 on sundays and petal 6 on tuesdays it is because it was asked to do so : when i walked out onto this glass floor i suddenly wished it gone : if just to see what would happen :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

on the way home i became slightly confused : i was leaving a more suitable home than my own : it was washed in warmth & the tension kept taught by a fantasized intimation of a shared world : in the past i've left portions of my life behind, assuming to know all possibilities of particular people : as though this understanding drowned forever an attraction : a more frightening knowledge of commitment : more intimidating than being locked in a room with 20 fat ladies with tubas pining for yr affections without break :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

i'm not at all frightened by this proximity : this closeness to an oppressive yellow & 4 tight-knit walls : & here, another person kept touching-distance away : if i close my eyes her breathing becomes miles : like a thumbprint on the lens of binoculars :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

this is what alone looks like : it's brothers are hearty and well fed : eating chili out of cans, they pick the stray beans from their beards & toss them into the thin air to catch them in their tired mouths : they laugh weak at all of this, & let the whisky drip slow from the corners of their lips : they live here whether you need them or not :

(seattle, jan. 2011)

still like a department store window display : my jealousy is a dandy : oscar wilde taking communion in an episcopal church on sunday : if i could take my nightly walks through queen anne, down to the docks, as anyone... : it would be as a father : pushing a baby stroller through the streets at 3am. : the mothers asleep in their houses would stutter & gasp in their dreams : bringing a baby out in this weather? : & at this hour? : baby & i take pleasure in our boldness : we are pleased by the warmth of our own hearts :